Today marks exactly Seven years since I was diagnosed to be a carrier of the dreaded Human Immunodeficiency Virus(HIV).Some of you dear readers might be tempted to think that am celebrating about this otherwise unfortunate state.On the contrary am not.I am just commemorating the far I’ve come ever since that May day.It is a reminder that I am not perfectly healthy.It is a reminder to be grateful for the gift of life which I have.Whenever I reminiscence about the occurrences of this day,it takes a toll on me emotionally.The sole reason as to why I went to get tested on this particular day was so as to give myself another chance in life after short stints of being ‘careless’ in matters pertaining to sexual intimacy.I call them careless moments because I knew what there was to know in regards to safe sex and HIV/AIDS.It was a way of reassuring myself that though I made mistakes by engaging in sex activities without due care,maybe there was another chance to redeem myself.But it turned out to be a little to late for that.I envisioned leading a long healthy life with a good happy family but all that remains to be just that.There is this ‘big’ monster that stands between me and all this happiness which I thought of.So how has it been like living with HIV for all this years?What are the challenges have had to overcome to get here?Do I have any plans for the days ahead?
The greatest challenge of all time that I’ve had to deal with is ”stigma”.For the fear of being alienated by my immediate family members,I’ve avoided telling them of my HIV positive status.Secondly,it has become a bit hard to find someone compatible as a life partner due to my current health state.This is because there is the common notion that anyone who is single and HIV positive must be or was morally loose or cannot be able to satisfy the sexual needs of the other person.Something which is not true.People tend to judge you based on your HIV positive status without seeking to know who you truly are.Everything about you is overshadowed by your status. It has further become a complicated situation owing to my preferred sexual orientation.Thirdly,it is increasingly becoming hard to relate to other people as days go by for fear of them knowing my status and how they would treat me.The reason is due to the fact that ARVs makes it hard for one to ;appear’ sickly as expected of a person with this condition.And so people tend to avoid interacting with you on this grounds in that you are a ‘walking corpse’.In short,I have very few true genuine friends.The only way out of this problem has been to be mum about my condition and that is how have managed to come this far.This is despite it being not the most healthy way to live by.”No man is an island”, so it is said.But when you are HIV positive one becomes a ‘loner’.Not because one wants to but circumstances force you to.
I have also had to overcome the challenge of ”negative thoughts”.I read somewhere that;”your thoughts are the most powerful ally”.Many at times our thoughts direct the way we lead our lives.It has been a battle of the mind for all this while so as to stay alive.Many at times when I wake up and ”think” about my condition,I feel hopeless and helpless.I have no zeal to face another day.Even though am on ARVs,I end up asking myself,what’s the point in taking this life prolonging medicines and yet am going to die some day anyway.And so for this reason at times I delay in taking the medicines for hours since there is a fixed time within which am supposed to take the drugs to avoid resistance.But eventually I come round and tell myself,”Charles,you are here for a purpose.And until that purpose is fulfilled then shall you have completed your sojourn on earth then you can leave”. And this gives me the strength to go on a day at a time.In adopting a positive mindset irrespective of the circumstances am in,I have come to this point so far.
One thing I must admit is that it has not been a walk in the park.I understand quite well why some people choose to go on a revenge rampage when they learn that they are HIV positive.I also do understand why some people opt to die instead of going for the ART.I also understand why others choose to live recklessly because they have HIV in their bodies.Still others decide to go on with life albeit on medication.The major reason is because when one is told they have HIV,its feels like you have been handed a death sentence.A person who is on death row either because of their criminal activities as it happens quite often,is usually a helpless and hopeless person.Such kind of a person tries to reconcile themselves to the past of how it could have been had they done things differently,to the present that doesn’t make much sense and to the future which will never be.This is because you never know when the hangman will come to take your life especially for those who have to wait for years knowing this is what has been decreed about them.Such is the feeling of a person living with HIV.
On many occasions,the question of ”why me?” has lingered on for all this while.I am yet to find the answer.Another question has been,”who did this to me and why did they do it?”My mind drifts back to my sexual escapades prior to knowing my state,trying to find out who could have passed on this deadly virus.Still,I got no definite answer.Not to say that I was a promiscuous person,my encounter was with less than ten men in a span of four years and this was the outcome.To be sincere,I flashback often on all the encounters and the faces of all this men remain embedded at the back of my mind.My gut feeling though points to a particular incident prior to all this happening and the person involved but there is no way to confirm whether indeed he was the one who ‘fixed’ me.This is because it was a one night stand.
There are many other challenges I’ve had to overcome as well.I don’t know much about what the future holds for me.All because my current state is not so encouraging.But I choose to hang in there with a hope that a day is coming when all will be fine financially,socially and in all spheres of my life.For now I keep dreaming of a better tomorrow,whilst taking my medicines as prescribed and keeping hope alive.
Oh…one more thing as I mark this ‘‘Seven Years On …” ,is a word of caution particularly to those who are struggling to come to terms with their sexual orientation.The vulnerable young gay men who are in their early youth hood.Those in their late teenage years.Always insist on using a ‘condom’ if you do not know the HIV status of your ‘partner’.Act on the information you have at hand because you have a whole life ahead of you.And to those who are HIV positive like myself,please lets act responsibly by protecting those that we ‘love’.It doesn’t matter whether it is your long term partner or a short term partner(one night stand),that way you will be showing your love for humanity.And to those who know their HIV status and are yet to get into the Anti Retro-viral Treatment(ART),please pick yourself up,go for the treatment because ARVs work.In that way you will not only prolong your life but you will live to fulfill your destiny.Being HIV positive should not hinder you from using your gifts and talents,exploiting your potential and make a difference in the world we live in.
Jamal C. Baraka 
